My Summer of 2004

I was 18 with tunnel vision of wanting to know what it felt like to fly. Finding my purpose in life and doing so by being able to achieve my goals standing on my own two feet was my focus. Oh - and independence or at that age I might have used the word, freedom! For me and my feet the next step was college and all the entailed. Looking back its a little blurry of whether that was the turn in the road I was meant to take or whether I was blinded by the inevitable flashing arrow, with its bright red lights pointing towards the world's next step in life - college. Its probably better to say I was blinded by my own ambitions and the " freedom" I so desired. Either way, if there was ever a sign, a small wooden arrow, pointing me toward the path God had set for me, I most likely would have missed it. However, before I could take off and spread my wings, I first went on a trip that summer of 2004 that I know had to be planned for me all along. I went on a trip that summer that sparked a flame...

We were there for two weeks. Two weeks of no heat, no air, just the open windows and the hot summer breeze that barely blew in. A few fans to keep us cool and our sleeping bags barely separating us from the hardwood underneath. Breakfast was rice, beans, a little overdone chicken and cereal with dried milk; meals that were served in the house next to ours which we labeled the "Boys House." I opted to eat the poptarts that were kept away in the kitchen cabinets on the bottom floor of the "Girls House" and sometimes thats all I would eat that day. The showers were ice cold and we were barely hidden from the outside world by a wooden fence. Needless to say, bathingsuits were a must! The bugs were massive and lots of them. The bus rides seemed like we were on Mrs. Frizzle's Magic School Bus, taking us on one of her many journey's. With each bump I flew 3 feet in the air and with each major curve my face print was left on the window next to me. Mrs. Frizzle was in the shape of a large African American man. A gentle giant who told great stories, laughed loudly and became our friend. The days were hot and it seemed every pore in my body was dripping with sweat. The town was nothing special and even the nices houses needed an extreme makeover. It was a third world country and yet I fell in love with it...

And on the hard-black pavement beneath us we painted faces, played games, ate, laughed, colored, danced and made a difference in their lives. The faces of the people and the way they lit up with smiles when we were there melted my heart. The impact we had on their lives left me yearning. As much as we had an impact on them they had more of an impact on me. My heart left that trip in the summer of 2004 heavy, full of love and craving more. Craving more of broken down homes, more of no TV's, no fancy stores, no air conditioning-no heat, no amazing food and more of people in need. Belize was a trip I will never forget. I left Belize with a desire in my heart, more than ever, to help others.

I can't say the direction I took 6 years ago was the right one or if I missed something bigger than what I had planned for myself. I have learned though that the direction that God has for me is not going to be clear. Most likely, if there is any sign its going to be small, always over-shadowed, blending in with its surroundings. Its always the sign I never pay attention to unless I truly seek what he wants for my life. God wants to be chosen. He wants me to make the choice to have a relationship with him, to follow him, to want his will for my life and fulfill the purpose I was created for. I know I have a passion and a yearning to help people. There is compassion inside me that I can't explain. I can't help but feel that giving all I have to help the needs of others is why I am here. I can't help but feel that is my purpose.

I know for a fact I may take a wrong turn or many wrong turns in my life. However, as long as I seek him, trust him and choose him he will always have an impact on my life. Guiding me to where he wants me.

A New Season of Change

I know my heart, I know who I am and I used to think that was enough. I'm coming to realize its not. My relationship with God has allowed him to take a knife and cut straight through the layers of me, exposing the unwanted hurts and truths that have been pushed away. Thinking thats what was needed to move on and live life. Thinking that putting up a strong front to guard my heart was the only way to make it in this world. Instead, pride and bitterness win it all.

Pride and bitterness are two words I want gone in my life. I rather have sticks and stones thrown at me everyday than live my life struggling to love others whole heartedly because I cannot get over and face pain. I'm not here for me. I was not placed on this earth so everyone would make sure to make me happy, make sure that I would live life pain free and make sure to comfort my ego. I was placed here for a far greater purpose than my happiness. I was placed here to be an example of pure love and selflessness. I was placed here to love others as he loves me; to make a difference and to bring people made of flesh and bone - like me - to know him and his love. That's impossible to do when I'm fighting against the world to protect myself.

This is my heart, this is who I am. Sitting back in the quiet, scared to embrace vulnerability, in fear of hardships and blows that I may face without protection, has become the bitter taste for me.

I'm ready to see this change in me. Ready to let these words roll off my tounge, down to my feet and put a hop in my step. Ready to remove the shield and expose my heart. Ready to let the hurts hurt and let the blows sting. Ready to let people not like me because of who I am and what I represent instead of like me because of who I am not. Ready to accept and overcome the gritt and dirt of this world. Ready to not just be humble but also vulnerable so I can be who I hope to become.

Because at least I know if I lay there broken and in pieces, I glorified his name rather than my own.

Only then will I really ever be whole.

Putting Aside the Masquerade/Part 3

I was created in his image.

In those 6 words it pretty much sums it up for me. I am flawed. I am every bit imperfection and nothing close to perfect. I was definitely not blessed with the looks of Halle Berry or Angelina Jolie and I even get on my nerves sometimes. But I was created by him.

Who am I to take what he has created, pick it apart and tear it down? I always have things I need to work on and area's where I need to grow. Staying focused on myself rather than other's so I can be the best me is definitely not a bad thing. However, in order to be the best me I need to stop taking my imperfections and trying to make them perfect. If he created me flawed and imperfect in order to draw me closer to him than this is who I want to be.

I was created in his image. He imagined me the way I am, the way he wants me. Thank you father for loving me so much and helping me learn to love myself.