My Summer of 2004

I was 18 with tunnel vision of wanting to know what it felt like to fly. Finding my purpose in life and doing so by being able to achieve my goals standing on my own two feet was my focus. Oh - and independence or at that age I might have used the word, freedom! For me and my feet the next step was college and all the entailed. Looking back its a little blurry of whether that was the turn in the road I was meant to take or whether I was blinded by the inevitable flashing arrow, with its bright red lights pointing towards the world's next step in life - college. Its probably better to say I was blinded by my own ambitions and the " freedom" I so desired. Either way, if there was ever a sign, a small wooden arrow, pointing me toward the path God had set for me, I most likely would have missed it. However, before I could take off and spread my wings, I first went on a trip that summer of 2004 that I know had to be planned for me all along. I went on a trip that summer that sparked a flame...

We were there for two weeks. Two weeks of no heat, no air, just the open windows and the hot summer breeze that barely blew in. A few fans to keep us cool and our sleeping bags barely separating us from the hardwood underneath. Breakfast was rice, beans, a little overdone chicken and cereal with dried milk; meals that were served in the house next to ours which we labeled the "Boys House." I opted to eat the poptarts that were kept away in the kitchen cabinets on the bottom floor of the "Girls House" and sometimes thats all I would eat that day. The showers were ice cold and we were barely hidden from the outside world by a wooden fence. Needless to say, bathingsuits were a must! The bugs were massive and lots of them. The bus rides seemed like we were on Mrs. Frizzle's Magic School Bus, taking us on one of her many journey's. With each bump I flew 3 feet in the air and with each major curve my face print was left on the window next to me. Mrs. Frizzle was in the shape of a large African American man. A gentle giant who told great stories, laughed loudly and became our friend. The days were hot and it seemed every pore in my body was dripping with sweat. The town was nothing special and even the nices houses needed an extreme makeover. It was a third world country and yet I fell in love with it...

And on the hard-black pavement beneath us we painted faces, played games, ate, laughed, colored, danced and made a difference in their lives. The faces of the people and the way they lit up with smiles when we were there melted my heart. The impact we had on their lives left me yearning. As much as we had an impact on them they had more of an impact on me. My heart left that trip in the summer of 2004 heavy, full of love and craving more. Craving more of broken down homes, more of no TV's, no fancy stores, no air conditioning-no heat, no amazing food and more of people in need. Belize was a trip I will never forget. I left Belize with a desire in my heart, more than ever, to help others.

I can't say the direction I took 6 years ago was the right one or if I missed something bigger than what I had planned for myself. I have learned though that the direction that God has for me is not going to be clear. Most likely, if there is any sign its going to be small, always over-shadowed, blending in with its surroundings. Its always the sign I never pay attention to unless I truly seek what he wants for my life. God wants to be chosen. He wants me to make the choice to have a relationship with him, to follow him, to want his will for my life and fulfill the purpose I was created for. I know I have a passion and a yearning to help people. There is compassion inside me that I can't explain. I can't help but feel that giving all I have to help the needs of others is why I am here. I can't help but feel that is my purpose.

I know for a fact I may take a wrong turn or many wrong turns in my life. However, as long as I seek him, trust him and choose him he will always have an impact on my life. Guiding me to where he wants me.

A New Season of Change

I know my heart, I know who I am and I used to think that was enough. I'm coming to realize its not. My relationship with God has allowed him to take a knife and cut straight through the layers of me, exposing the unwanted hurts and truths that have been pushed away. Thinking thats what was needed to move on and live life. Thinking that putting up a strong front to guard my heart was the only way to make it in this world. Instead, pride and bitterness win it all.

Pride and bitterness are two words I want gone in my life. I rather have sticks and stones thrown at me everyday than live my life struggling to love others whole heartedly because I cannot get over and face pain. I'm not here for me. I was not placed on this earth so everyone would make sure to make me happy, make sure that I would live life pain free and make sure to comfort my ego. I was placed here for a far greater purpose than my happiness. I was placed here to be an example of pure love and selflessness. I was placed here to love others as he loves me; to make a difference and to bring people made of flesh and bone - like me - to know him and his love. That's impossible to do when I'm fighting against the world to protect myself.

This is my heart, this is who I am. Sitting back in the quiet, scared to embrace vulnerability, in fear of hardships and blows that I may face without protection, has become the bitter taste for me.

I'm ready to see this change in me. Ready to let these words roll off my tounge, down to my feet and put a hop in my step. Ready to remove the shield and expose my heart. Ready to let the hurts hurt and let the blows sting. Ready to let people not like me because of who I am and what I represent instead of like me because of who I am not. Ready to accept and overcome the gritt and dirt of this world. Ready to not just be humble but also vulnerable so I can be who I hope to become.

Because at least I know if I lay there broken and in pieces, I glorified his name rather than my own.

Only then will I really ever be whole.

Putting Aside the Masquerade/Part 3

I was created in his image.

In those 6 words it pretty much sums it up for me. I am flawed. I am every bit imperfection and nothing close to perfect. I was definitely not blessed with the looks of Halle Berry or Angelina Jolie and I even get on my nerves sometimes. But I was created by him.

Who am I to take what he has created, pick it apart and tear it down? I always have things I need to work on and area's where I need to grow. Staying focused on myself rather than other's so I can be the best me is definitely not a bad thing. However, in order to be the best me I need to stop taking my imperfections and trying to make them perfect. If he created me flawed and imperfect in order to draw me closer to him than this is who I want to be.

I was created in his image. He imagined me the way I am, the way he wants me. Thank you father for loving me so much and helping me learn to love myself.

Putting Aside the Masquerade/Part 2

Constantly I am asking myself what can I work on and searching for faults that I have, to better myself as a person. I have found that in this process, over the years, I’ve torn myself apart. The minute I find a fault of mine I try to break it down, dissect it in order to understand it and then starts the inevitable steps of fixing it or rather fixing me. I have always thought this is a good thing about me because I want to work on my issues instead of ignore them and I don't allow myself to be ignorant to the fact that I always have things to change and work on. Raw, Honest, Blunt, Negative criticism I've allowed to be a friend of mine and embrace with open arms hoping to learn something about myself in order to grow. This, at least, is what I have been telling myself basically for my entire life and I know this is my fault and no one else’s but I find I can't do it anymore. Instead of becoming better - I am crumbling - in the midst of trying to make sense of it all. I have focused so much on working on everything within me, that I have never ever taken the time to ask myself; do you love who you are, good and bad?

But here is what I am learning or really what I've always known but allowing to be brought to light. This is totally and completely 100% my fault. I am so busy trying to please everyone around me. So busy trying to change who I am to people's standards and likings so everyone accept's me, that I lose who I am in the midst of everyday come and goings. I can't hide my ugliness-faults-weaknesses-insecurities-craziness anymore and if I'm judged for it, so be it. I'm tired of living up to standards that I will never be able to please because we as humans are unpleasable. There is always something more that we are looking for.

In the next few posts I am going to pour everything of me-in me-about me, out. Why? I really don't know. Maybe because I never have. Maybe because I'm hoping for a way out; thinking that these posts will allow me to be free of all thoughts in my head that I know I need to move on from. Its a step though, a step to healing, a step to be free, a step to be a little crazier and have more fun, a step to be real, a step to be happier, a step to grow closer to my oh so amazing healer.

1. I am way too sensitive. Oh have I denied this up and down-round and round till there's just no denying it anymore. Oh yeah, I can hear myself in my head right now like I'm Tarzan or something - Me Lauren...Me so strong - whatev, I'm not, I take things way too personally because I am so dag on sensitive and I CAN'T STAND THAT!

2. I analyze EVERYTHING! Drives me up the wall!

3. I give more respect and kindness to strangers and acquaintance's than I do my husband and my family.

4. I am way too deep and way too into my head. You want to talk about the day, I like to talk about life stories and have deep conversations. If you ask me about the weather or try to talk to me about everyday things, I will fall short everytime, feeling like I left the conversation incomplete and awkward.

5. I put people before myself pretty much always. I love helping people but sometimes I go too far and when I do, I know it. I know there are times when everyone should say no and when and if I do, it's okay. Most of the time for me it is about helping but there are times the reason behind what I do is for acceptance and/or not making someone angry or dissapointed.

6. If I don't know a person that well and they're someone who is hard to read or someone I feel will judge me, I will probably be really weird or have no idea what to say. Not because I don't know how to talk but because, again I am way too in my head and focusing way too much about just being myself to the point where I don't allow myself to just be myself. (Sigh) Confusing? Yeah - me too.

7. I don't ever call someone to go hang out anymore. I don't ever try to form new friendships. Amazing, close friendships take time and part of myself and I'm scared that I will be left hurt and dissapointed. It takes a lot for me to trust someone, a lot for me to depend on someone. I've watched all my life how people take information that was confided to them and so easily share it with others.

8. Back to #7. I am so scared to get close to someone to only find that in the end they will be dissapointed with me and that I cannot provide the friendship, advice, fun, connection, etc. that they were looking for. Honesty check: that will of course leave me with the question "what is wrong with me?"

9. I am more than happy to share things in my past that I have learned from and dealt with already. Sharing things that I'm going through to just be real with someone...most of the time takes years for me to do. I have to know that I can trust. I wish I could move on from this trust thing so people could just connect with me sometimes.

10. I won't leap to grasp a hold of things that I would love to do because of fear of not being qualified or good enough. I hardly allow myself to find out.

11. I am really stubborn and very independent. Those two things don't always go well together. Heck, they don't always go well separately either.

12. I compare myself to others.

13. I have a tendency to take things way too seriously or rather be too serious. I want to learn to let go and live life and have a blast doing it.

14. I am extremely lazy and a huge procrastinator.

15. I am horrible with time management. I am always late.

16. I don't take care of myself like I should.

17. I don't like the fact that I am not as strong as I want to be.

18. I hardly allow anyone to be there for me unless I am really close to someone. I don't like to show my problems due to fear of showing signs of weakness and insecurity.

19. I am not being the Godly example and wife that I think I should be to my husband because of my selfish ways.

20. I don't love myself like I should.

The list could go on and on but these are things that I really struggle with inside that I feel keeps me from being the person I want to be and keeps me from just being me.

Stay tuned for part 3.

Putting Aside the Masquerade/Part 1

"My main weakness is nerves," she says, taking a long sip of her tea. "I have no confidence, and because of that I'm always second-guessing myself. That allows you to be false, and you can't do that. You have to be honest; you gotta believe what you're about to say. So once I get through the nerves, if ever, and sometimes it does happen, that's when I'm able to have genuine moments."
~ Megan Fox

When I read the paragraph above I felt that the part of me that is never honest with myself answered whatever question that was asked in the interview for W magazine through another person. I know Megan Fox was describing herself but every part of that paragraph perfectly describes complicated me to a confused and misunderstood person. I am always asking questions and trying to understand why the things that affect me, do and why I am the way I am instead of just accepting me for who I am completely. I know I have faults just like everyone and yet its like I don't want to accept my faults, I just want to fix them.

Lately, I have been finding that in order to fix anything or move forward I have to first accept it. I have to first love myself and all my complications. So I am going to lay everything down (that I can think of anyways) that I know I struggle with. I am doing this because I want my relationship with God to become stronger and I want to live a life for him that is 100% committed to his will and I feel in order to do that I need to accept who I am - ugg butliness and all - to truly come to a point of loving the person God created.

This is one of the many steps I am taking to grow. I have always felt that I am a really accepting person and although I have taught myself to not judge a book by its cover that doesn't mean that I would pick up and read that book. God is really showing me lately that I have not been as accepting as I thought, especially with myself.

Grace

As a human being I have a really hard time not putting "Grace" in a court room to be judged, based on how big or small the sin and how well deserving the person who sinned is of that grace. It is so hard to hear about a person who murdered, raped, stole or rather lied, let me down, caused me pain, etc. and be able to extend grace on that person. It is so hard to wrap my brain around the fact that God still loves and looks at them no different and if they want, will still extend grace and forgiveness. However, I know that I was created to never fully understand. God did not create me to understand, he created me to look to him for the understanding.

Lately, well let's say for the past few years, I have had a much harder time extending grace to those around me. I have noticed that my heart is not in a place it used to be. Used to, someone could be so wrong to me and I would let it roll of my back and forgive them like it never happened. I would extend grace to them because I knew they were human just like me, I knew only holding on to the pain would only affect me in the end, and because simply, I wanted to. I wanted to because my relationship with God then was solid and my heart was stronger. Now, I notice myself getting more bitter as the days go by. I have even gone so far as to think that I really dislike people to the point where I don't even want to deal with them on a Saturday afternoon. Which, I'm sure, we all can understand. However, thats a sad life.

Being someone who loves God and has a desire to live a life for God, this bothers me. My spirit and my heart is craving so much right now and I keep pushing it back and saying tomorrow, God, tomorrow. Well its been 5 years and the other night I decided I can't take it anymore. So Michael and I had a life changing discussion about changing our lives in the direction for God. One of the steps we are taking is to read a devotional every night, to pray every night and to (are you ready for this) go to church.

It has only been a week and my heart is changing. Today I read a chapter in a book called "Let Go." In that chapter there was a sentence that read:

"When we are satiated with God's grace, it is much easier to extend grace to others; but when we are on starvation rations ourselves, we have little to spare."

I have been on a "starvation ration" and my "grace" well is almost dry. Even after years of ignoring God's cry for me he still extends his grace and has already changed my heart in a week. Why then can I not extend grace on other's? They are just as deserving as I am. We are all created in God's image therefore he does not supply grace, forgiveness, and his love any differently on a person who has murdered than on me; someone who has ignored him for 5 years.

Thank you God for showing me what Grace really is.

The One

Finding the "one" is not about the world's love, a fairytale or having those butterflies in your stomach forever. It's about finding the one who helps, guides, compliments you and supports you in fulfilling God's purpose for your life. It's about God's love and what he created you for and the person who will lift you up, applaud you, helping and standing by as you accomplish your purpose. That is God's soulmate for you.

That is why when you stop wishing and looking for the "one" and you start being completely satisfied with him, he brings you two together. For then he knows you are both ready to live a life for him and fulfill your purpose together.

That's what its all about, fulfilling the purpose he created you for. It is not about you and the love you want - to satisfy the needs and wants of your flesh. Because it again is not about satisfying you, it is about satisfying God. You were created for his pleasure, his purpose - not yours.

Think about it.

The Best Man

"Mama, you taught me to do the right things
So now you have to let your baby fly
You've given me everything that I will need
To make it through this crazy thing called life

And I know you watched me grow up
And only want what's best for me
And I think I found the answer to your prayers

And he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna to leave
So don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me

Mama there's no way you'll ever lose me
Giving me away is not goodbye
As you watch me walk down to my future
I hope tears of joy are in your eyes

'Cause he is good, so good
And he treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna to leave
So don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me

And when I watch my baby grow up
I'll only want what's best for her
And I hope she'll find the answers to my prayers
And that she'll say

He is good, so good
And he treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me

Mama don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me"

~Carrie Underwood (Mama's Song)

This song and a blog I read the other day reminded me how much I should be grateful for God blessing me with such an incredible man. We have only been married for a year and a half and I have noticed how easy it is to take for granted of such a blessing and to forget to respect this man as the leader and head of our household. He loves me so much and he shows me that everyday no matter what I do.

Thank you God for placing such an amazing man, best-friend, partner, confidant, leader, support-system, husband into my life. I love you!