Constantly I am asking myself what can I work on and searching for faults that I have, to better myself as a person. I have found that in this process, over the years, I’ve torn myself apart. The minute I find a fault of mine I try to break it down, dissect it in order to understand it and then starts the inevitable steps of fixing it or rather fixing me. I have always thought this is a good thing about me because I want to work on my issues instead of ignore them and I don't allow myself to be ignorant to the fact that I always have things to change and work on. Raw, Honest, Blunt, Negative criticism I've allowed to be a friend of mine and embrace with open arms hoping to learn something about myself in order to grow. This, at least, is what I have been telling myself basically for my entire life and I know this is my fault and no one else’s but I find I can't do it anymore. Instead of becoming better - I am crumbling - in the midst of trying to make sense of it all. I have focused so much on working on everything within me, that I have never ever taken the time to ask myself; do you love who you are, good and bad?
But here is what I am learning or really what I've always known but allowing to be brought to light. This is totally and completely 100% my fault. I am so busy trying to please everyone around me. So busy trying to change who I am to people's standards and likings so everyone accept's me, that I lose who I am in the midst of everyday come and goings. I can't hide my ugliness-faults-weaknesses-insecurities-craziness anymore and if I'm judged for it, so be it. I'm tired of living up to standards that I will never be able to please because we as humans are unpleasable. There is always something more that we are looking for.
In the next few posts I am going to pour everything of me-in me-about me, out. Why? I really don't know. Maybe because I never have. Maybe because I'm hoping for a way out; thinking that these posts will allow me to be free of all thoughts in my head that I know I need to move on from. Its a step though, a step to healing, a step to be free, a step to be a little crazier and have more fun, a step to be real, a step to be happier, a step to grow closer to my oh so amazing healer.
1. I am way too sensitive. Oh have I denied this up and down-round and round till there's just no denying it anymore. Oh yeah, I can hear myself in my head right now like I'm Tarzan or something - Me Lauren...Me so strong - whatev, I'm not, I take things way too personally because I am so dag on sensitive and I CAN'T STAND THAT!
2. I analyze EVERYTHING! Drives me up the wall!
3. I give more respect and kindness to strangers and acquaintance's than I do my husband and my family.
4. I am way too deep and way too into my head. You want to talk about the day, I like to talk about life stories and have deep conversations. If you ask me about the weather or try to talk to me about everyday things, I will fall short everytime, feeling like I left the conversation incomplete and awkward.
5. I put people before myself pretty much always. I love helping people but sometimes I go too far and when I do, I know it. I know there are times when everyone should say no and when and if I do, it's okay. Most of the time for me it is about helping but there are times the reason behind what I do is for acceptance and/or not making someone angry or dissapointed.
6. If I don't know a person that well and they're someone who is hard to read or someone I feel will judge me, I will probably be really weird or have no idea what to say. Not because I don't know how to talk but because, again I am way too in my head and focusing way too much about just being myself to the point where I don't allow myself to just be myself. (Sigh) Confusing? Yeah - me too.
7. I don't ever call someone to go hang out anymore. I don't ever try to form new friendships. Amazing, close friendships take time and part of myself and I'm scared that I will be left hurt and dissapointed. It takes a lot for me to trust someone, a lot for me to depend on someone. I've watched all my life how people take information that was confided to them and so easily share it with others.
8. Back to #7. I am so scared to get close to someone to only find that in the end they will be dissapointed with me and that I cannot provide the friendship, advice, fun, connection, etc. that they were looking for. Honesty check: that will of course leave me with the question "what is wrong with me?"
9. I am more than happy to share things in my past that I have learned from and dealt with already. Sharing things that I'm going through to just be real with someone...most of the time takes years for me to do. I have to know that I can trust. I wish I could move on from this trust thing so people could just connect with me sometimes.
10. I won't leap to grasp a hold of things that I would love to do because of fear of not being qualified or good enough. I hardly allow myself to find out.
11. I am really stubborn and very independent. Those two things don't always go well together. Heck, they don't always go well separately either.
12. I compare myself to others.
13. I have a tendency to take things way too seriously or rather be too serious. I want to learn to let go and live life and have a blast doing it.
14. I am extremely lazy and a huge procrastinator.
15. I am horrible with time management. I am always late.
16. I don't take care of myself like I should.
17. I don't like the fact that I am not as strong as I want to be.
18. I hardly allow anyone to be there for me unless I am really close to someone. I don't like to show my problems due to fear of showing signs of weakness and insecurity.
19. I am not being the Godly example and wife that I think I should be to my husband because of my selfish ways.
20. I don't love myself like I should.
The list could go on and on but these are things that I really struggle with inside that I feel keeps me from being the person I want to be and keeps me from just being me.
Stay tuned for part 3.
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