I know my heart, I know who I am and I used to think that was enough. I'm coming to realize its not. My relationship with God has allowed him to take a knife and cut straight through the layers of me, exposing the unwanted hurts and truths that have been pushed away. Thinking thats what was needed to move on and live life. Thinking that putting up a strong front to guard my heart was the only way to make it in this world. Instead, pride and bitterness win it all.
Pride and bitterness are two words I want gone in my life. I rather have sticks and stones thrown at me everyday than live my life struggling to love others whole heartedly because I cannot get over and face pain. I'm not here for me. I was not placed on this earth so everyone would make sure to make me happy, make sure that I would live life pain free and make sure to comfort my ego. I was placed here for a far greater purpose than my happiness. I was placed here to be an example of pure love and selflessness. I was placed here to love others as he loves me; to make a difference and to bring people made of flesh and bone - like me - to know him and his love. That's impossible to do when I'm fighting against the world to protect myself.
This is my heart, this is who I am. Sitting back in the quiet, scared to embrace vulnerability, in fear of hardships and blows that I may face without protection, has become the bitter taste for me.
I'm ready to see this change in me. Ready to let these words roll off my tounge, down to my feet and put a hop in my step. Ready to remove the shield and expose my heart. Ready to let the hurts hurt and let the blows sting. Ready to let people not like me because of who I am and what I represent instead of like me because of who I am not. Ready to accept and overcome the gritt and dirt of this world. Ready to not just be humble but also vulnerable so I can be who I hope to become.
Because at least I know if I lay there broken and in pieces, I glorified his name rather than my own.
Only then will I really ever be whole.
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