Putting Aside the Masquerade/Part 1

"My main weakness is nerves," she says, taking a long sip of her tea. "I have no confidence, and because of that I'm always second-guessing myself. That allows you to be false, and you can't do that. You have to be honest; you gotta believe what you're about to say. So once I get through the nerves, if ever, and sometimes it does happen, that's when I'm able to have genuine moments."
~ Megan Fox

When I read the paragraph above I felt that the part of me that is never honest with myself answered whatever question that was asked in the interview for W magazine through another person. I know Megan Fox was describing herself but every part of that paragraph perfectly describes complicated me to a confused and misunderstood person. I am always asking questions and trying to understand why the things that affect me, do and why I am the way I am instead of just accepting me for who I am completely. I know I have faults just like everyone and yet its like I don't want to accept my faults, I just want to fix them.

Lately, I have been finding that in order to fix anything or move forward I have to first accept it. I have to first love myself and all my complications. So I am going to lay everything down (that I can think of anyways) that I know I struggle with. I am doing this because I want my relationship with God to become stronger and I want to live a life for him that is 100% committed to his will and I feel in order to do that I need to accept who I am - ugg butliness and all - to truly come to a point of loving the person God created.

This is one of the many steps I am taking to grow. I have always felt that I am a really accepting person and although I have taught myself to not judge a book by its cover that doesn't mean that I would pick up and read that book. God is really showing me lately that I have not been as accepting as I thought, especially with myself.

Grace

As a human being I have a really hard time not putting "Grace" in a court room to be judged, based on how big or small the sin and how well deserving the person who sinned is of that grace. It is so hard to hear about a person who murdered, raped, stole or rather lied, let me down, caused me pain, etc. and be able to extend grace on that person. It is so hard to wrap my brain around the fact that God still loves and looks at them no different and if they want, will still extend grace and forgiveness. However, I know that I was created to never fully understand. God did not create me to understand, he created me to look to him for the understanding.

Lately, well let's say for the past few years, I have had a much harder time extending grace to those around me. I have noticed that my heart is not in a place it used to be. Used to, someone could be so wrong to me and I would let it roll of my back and forgive them like it never happened. I would extend grace to them because I knew they were human just like me, I knew only holding on to the pain would only affect me in the end, and because simply, I wanted to. I wanted to because my relationship with God then was solid and my heart was stronger. Now, I notice myself getting more bitter as the days go by. I have even gone so far as to think that I really dislike people to the point where I don't even want to deal with them on a Saturday afternoon. Which, I'm sure, we all can understand. However, thats a sad life.

Being someone who loves God and has a desire to live a life for God, this bothers me. My spirit and my heart is craving so much right now and I keep pushing it back and saying tomorrow, God, tomorrow. Well its been 5 years and the other night I decided I can't take it anymore. So Michael and I had a life changing discussion about changing our lives in the direction for God. One of the steps we are taking is to read a devotional every night, to pray every night and to (are you ready for this) go to church.

It has only been a week and my heart is changing. Today I read a chapter in a book called "Let Go." In that chapter there was a sentence that read:

"When we are satiated with God's grace, it is much easier to extend grace to others; but when we are on starvation rations ourselves, we have little to spare."

I have been on a "starvation ration" and my "grace" well is almost dry. Even after years of ignoring God's cry for me he still extends his grace and has already changed my heart in a week. Why then can I not extend grace on other's? They are just as deserving as I am. We are all created in God's image therefore he does not supply grace, forgiveness, and his love any differently on a person who has murdered than on me; someone who has ignored him for 5 years.

Thank you God for showing me what Grace really is.

The One

Finding the "one" is not about the world's love, a fairytale or having those butterflies in your stomach forever. It's about finding the one who helps, guides, compliments you and supports you in fulfilling God's purpose for your life. It's about God's love and what he created you for and the person who will lift you up, applaud you, helping and standing by as you accomplish your purpose. That is God's soulmate for you.

That is why when you stop wishing and looking for the "one" and you start being completely satisfied with him, he brings you two together. For then he knows you are both ready to live a life for him and fulfill your purpose together.

That's what its all about, fulfilling the purpose he created you for. It is not about you and the love you want - to satisfy the needs and wants of your flesh. Because it again is not about satisfying you, it is about satisfying God. You were created for his pleasure, his purpose - not yours.

Think about it.

The Best Man

"Mama, you taught me to do the right things
So now you have to let your baby fly
You've given me everything that I will need
To make it through this crazy thing called life

And I know you watched me grow up
And only want what's best for me
And I think I found the answer to your prayers

And he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna to leave
So don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me

Mama there's no way you'll ever lose me
Giving me away is not goodbye
As you watch me walk down to my future
I hope tears of joy are in your eyes

'Cause he is good, so good
And he treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna to leave
So don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me

And when I watch my baby grow up
I'll only want what's best for her
And I hope she'll find the answers to my prayers
And that she'll say

He is good, so good
And he treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me

Mama don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me"

~Carrie Underwood (Mama's Song)

This song and a blog I read the other day reminded me how much I should be grateful for God blessing me with such an incredible man. We have only been married for a year and a half and I have noticed how easy it is to take for granted of such a blessing and to forget to respect this man as the leader and head of our household. He loves me so much and he shows me that everyday no matter what I do.

Thank you God for placing such an amazing man, best-friend, partner, confidant, leader, support-system, husband into my life. I love you!

House Pictures

Here are pictures of our completed house. We have been moved in for about 5 months, so I guess you can say its about time. Enjoy!

Long Shadows

Oh the sweet smell of, it seems, cinnamon with a touch of sweetness that swifts by in the crisp cool breeze that sways my hair. Oh the warm colors of paint splashes on leaves, gradually covering each and every leaf till the tree is fully painted in yellows, oranges, reds, and browns. Oh you long shadows; each and everyone of you outlining a tree, a bush, a building on the black pavement beneath me as the sun hits you in that settle way it does. You take my breath away. I used to think that those hot, sizzling days where the sun beat down on me were my favorite, but oh no...how I never knew. I don't know what changed, I don't know what started this love for you but oh it has and I have found myself taking every detail, scent, sound, shadow, crackle, in more than I ever have before. Time slows down when you're around and Kodak memories start to pour in. Oh Autumn, you warm my heart and make my insides smile. Yes, you are my favorite season of all.

Angels on Earth

Working, living, just being in the real world every day can certainly make us bitter, especially towards people. Each of us are our own worst enemies. Of course, we all make choices and decisions about our lives that affect us. However, its starts with our childhood until our last days, that each of us play a major part in influencing and molding each other to who we become as well.

Forgiveness and realizing that we are all the same...human...can make a huge difference in how we let each other affect us.

Working in and with the public has definitely made me more tough and less naive. There are definitely times where I notice that my thoughts and actions are of those coming from a bitter and worn down heart. However, I receive reminders every day to not lose who I am and lean on the wisdom God has given me. Today, I received a reminder. I received the below from a co-worker at work today.

"And this is the only way we survive devastating experiences in our lives. In my need, you reached out to me in so many ways I cannot count - and it mattered. I felt all of it and I will never forget you...my angels on earth."
~ Co-worker

"We are, each of us angels with only one

wing; and we can only fly by embracing

one another."

~Luciano de Crescenzo

This certain co-worker just lost their son just a week and a half ago. I just sent them a card. This is what I received back from them...just because of a card. Its the little things that make the biggest impact...

Its hard to give ourselves over to others even with the little things, when we hold onto the small grains of sand that we allow to turn into boulders and weigh us down. If we allow ourselves to look past the dissapointments and the negative parts of each other in order to learn to understand that we all are human and to forgive, we will be able to break down those boulders. Its a choice, a decision.

Breaking down boulders is hard and exhausting. But isn't it worth it to find a single wing on the other side? To be each other's angels on earth.